You may be an ex-pat living in southern Costa Rica if... Part IV

You pass an average of 15 people hawking fruit that looks and feels like colored testicles anywhere you go

You no longer take for granted safe roads, beef, ac, drainage, hot water, utilities, healthcare…

You now listen to hunches because not doing so may cost you your life or the cash equivalent to your highest annual salary

You buy your meds one pill at a time

You have new appreciation for immigrants

Your pillow, bed and clothing feels like they were taken out of the dryer 40 min early

You still can’t figure out how to say “for rent” in Spanish

You learn to use your children to get through traffic stops, bank lines, customs....

Acquiring a rather common item you used to buy on the way home from work now requires ebay, UPS, a friend in the states, Delta, a courier and a taxi

You never paid so much for bloomed crappy chocolate that tastes so bad but feels so good, kinda

Rain, now a daily occurrence, may cause you entire schedule to be changed, canceled or abandoned

You drive slower, not due to traffic tickets, but because the road ahead may disappear at any time

A successful outing  may be judged by the sum of  expected new mosquito bites  divided by volume of new bites times existing bites :    {ENb/Nb}*Eb

Every day you see an amazing new bug, plant and butterfly that science has yet to discover

The word “botfly” is spoken in hushed conversations, away from children, off to the side… never  with those whom love you back home and, if questioned by family, you pretend not to know much about them

You have nearly killed half a dozen motor cyclists in the past month alone driving at night, without lights wearing black in the rain

“the border” is no longer  a fence to keep others out, it is an ethereal place where your future hangs in the balance, your own Mecca; you seek renewal and a glance of approval

You may be an ex-pat living in southern Costa Rica if... Part III

You give barely a glance of interest now to life threatening insects in your house
You haven’t see dentists, insurance agents, bankers, doctors, or the like for longer than you remember
You drive and own vehicles you would never have considered before moving here, none the less pay $ for
Nothing is anti-theft
Postal what?
You swear much more than you used to
Buying some screws in the hardware store involves more people than were in front of you at the bank
The only smell you are accustomed to more than fried banana is mildew
Ants are no longer considered worth mentioning even when crawling on your own clothes
In the last 7 days you have consumed more varieties of fruit than you ever dreamed existed
“lock the car” used to mean securing the doors but now involves removing any non-fixed item
You allow your kids to play on things that look like remains from WWII German bombings
Creatures you used to only see in horror films now live in your own house and you really don’t care
Your yard at night sounds like a car alarm
Putting your vehicle in four wheel drive is a daily event instead of something you once did near Tahoe
You don’t know the day of the week, none the less the date, nor does anyone else for that matter
You used to wish to be “taller”, now you wish you never saw those letters
“banking” is an calendared event
Making a left turn while using your signal is a life threatening event
You eat breakfast with exotic birds
Hot water is now considered optional
" behind bars "  no longer carries a negative stigma and actually feels comforting

You may be an ex-pat living in southern Costa Rica if... Part II

Having a simple conversation by cell phone includes 2 disconnects and a wrong number

The last time you had 5 bars of internet that actually worked you were in a neighboring country

Included in your daily contact “social circle” is your auto mechanic

You still have no idea how fast 60km is

You know your attorneys number better than your own

One of your daily duties is cleaning frog crap from your porch

Your days activities end at 6pm and staying out late is after 730

Your budget includes considerable monthly sums for auto repair

You got rid of your alarm clock thanks to howler monkeys

Your business has been fully open for months despite no signage, address,  insurance…

Your conversations with local friends are closer to therapy sessions than to social gatherings

You make quarterly prayers for the numbers 90 to be added to your passport stamps

You choose bugspray for effectiveness and overall perfume smell as you wear it with greater frequency and volume than deodorant, perfume, makeup and clothing

Your address sounds like a description of where the dog ran away to

You use “manana” to describe tomorrow, everyone else uses it to describe distant future events

You don’t remember what cheese tastes like

You use “pura vida” as a friendly greeting, expression of joy, resignation  and an expletive   

You may be an ex-pat living in southern Costa Rica if... Part I

YOU MAY BE AN EXPAT  LIVING IN CR IF…………….

You judge the need to wash clothes by stench, disregarding days worn or volume of stains

Your day is considered a huge success when you get one thing accomplished

You drive from your house fully expecting to be pulled over and/or ticketed

The $20 in your wallet is earmarked for bribes

Your laptop is “put away” only when it is hidden in with your dirty laundry, on your person or in a safe

You are soaked with sweat by 8am after taking out the trash

Your ‘bare essentials’ include keys, phone, passport, colones, hat, bugspray, sunscreen and a 3ft machete

Taking a stroll in the yard requires knee boots and a knife longer than your arm

“Going into town” may be an all-day event

You fully expect to several wait weeks for the successful arrival of a repair man, cable guy or any similar tech

You fully expect several visits by the repair tech over the course of a month before your issue is truly done, only to find the "repair" broke 2 more things

You are shocked, giddy and feel like having a party when something actually goes according to plan

Your monthly food bill is more than rent

Your fried food consumption is only surpassed by pineapples and mangos

You plan your daily activities based off of which utility you expect to lose first

Sweat dripped on the keyboard as you read this

Taller ("garage")

I have been writing blog posts... just doo depressing to put in here, the last month has been the most difficult of they year.  4 1/2 weeks ago a seal on our cooling system in our vehicle blew, causing the coolant to abruptly leave the motor... nothing looked out of the ordinary, we drove down the mountain and the truck started to act funny.  I checked fluids, though not coolant since it was a warm motor, but the overflow looked fine, little did I know that I would cook my motor in the next few miles while the temperature sensor read "all is well".  Now a month later we have been waiting to wrap up the repair and sale of our vehicle.  We have had about every possible set back and had we known it would be 4 weeks we would have left an came back, instead we have been waiting while the string of 3 and 4 day delays turns into weeks on end.  In a few hours I will pack the car and begin our drive north to eventually fly out of CR with a vehicle still sitting in the shop. Crazy days these are.
I guess this would not be an outstanding event if it were not highlighted by the vehicles of our friends also having major issues, break downs and outright problems... someone threw a wrench at the car god and thing have been unseasonable weird here.  A funny one, in hind sight, is mu friend Dave taking his Trooper in for a problem starting it.  After replacing the alternator, the battery and a few other parts it is determined that it is a STARTER problem.  It would still start, just it took a few times.  The shop came out, told him they tested the starter and it is on order, come back in a week or so. They push started his car, gave it to him and he drove home, only to find they had never replaced the starter that was still partially functional.
Or then there is Rocky, who saw brakes getting finished up, he pointed out to the mechanic that a tensioner spring had been forgotten, it was still sitting on the floor next to the wheel.  The mechanic looked at it, smiled and tossed it over his shoulder into a heap of parts.
Now why would our vehicles be breaking down, I wonder....